formspring.me Volume I

What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow? European.

According to Wikipedia the Barn Swallow,

It is not a particularly fast flier, with a speed estimated at about 11 m/s, up to 20 m/s and a wing beat rate of approximately 5, up to 7–9 times each second

(Side note: let's try to keep the questions actual, and not clumsy references to 35 year old movies.)

How is it that you prefer Nutty Bars over Pearson's Nut Rolls? Isn't that kind of anti-Minnesotan of you?

OH MY GOD. They are totally not the same thing. Not even close. I love a Pearson's Nut Roll. I think you reveal your ignorance of delicious snacktime solutions by confusing these two delicious yet TOTALLY DISTINCT items.

Which beard/mustache/facial-hair style is your favorite?

This question was asked by Brianne, and is quite excellent. For wearing, my favorite facial hair style is currently a standard full beard, trimmed to Emily's specifications. In the past I have enjoyed pre-war German-style mutton chops (before it was cool) and the Abe Lincoln chin strap. In the future, I would like to go as Martin Van Buren for Halloween, and the Chester A Arthur beard is also hilarious and wonderful (which means I might try it for a day).

What is the best calculator pound for pound?

I would turn to one of these British calculators for calculating pounds.

what day is it?

Today is Wednesday, January 27. Today is the birthday of William Randolph Hearst, Zephram Cochran himself James Cromwell, Kieth Olbermann, and the death day of William Nolde, the last man to die in the Vietnam War. It is also Hump Day, six days after my anniversary with Emily, and 267 days until my birthday.

War elephant or tactical rhinoceros?

Rhinos are built for war: they are heavily armored, they have those massive horns and a strong neck. They're also fast: they can run at 25 miles per hour, which apparently elephants can do too. But honestly, a rhino is going to be able to turn much faster. In battle, I'll take the rhino any day.

MaBeGroMo: The End

I realize that it's half way through the month of January by now, but I would be remiss if I did not finish out my MaBeGroMo updates.

For the month of December, I did not trim my beard. It started like this, moved in this direction, and this was the final product:

Look at how manly that is! It's so manly that Hercules crapped right in his pants and had to put on a dress so all residual crapping due to the extreme manliness of this photo would just fall to the floor--because it was inevitable for months.

A Young Santa

When Emily and I go to restaurants, children will often stare at me. My best guess is because they see me as a young Santa.

So, to fulfill my promise of a mid-month MaBeGroMo photo update (which is to say, this is 16 days of growth), I will let you be the judge. Young Santa:


But this picture is shadowy. It does not do real justice to the fullness of my beard. As a favor to you, I have highlighted where my beard ends and the shadow begins. I think you will be impressed:

Yes, I Once Put Bits of Churro in My Beard

There has been some unease about my MaBeGroMo ambition of letting my beard grow for a month. Namely, Emily is worried that I will put bits of churro in there.

"Ha ha!" you might be thinking to yourself, "That Emily! Always with a witty remark, she." Yes, except her concern is not a nonsequitor or other silliness. Her concern is rooted in factual history.

When I was 16, I had a full beard. (Hell, when I was 15 I had a full beard, but this story takes place a year later.) The problem with giving a 16 year old full facial hair privileges is that he will abuse them by growing a chin beard out to four inches long and try to impress his friends with the all the different foods he can fit in there. I don't remember the exact number of churro bits I got in there, but it was in the vicinity of many many.

MaBeGroMo Picture: Day 2

Yesterday I announced that I will grow my beard for MaBeGroMo. I also promised that a picture was forthcoming, and I do not lie. This picture was not taken on Day One of MaBeGroMo, but it's close enough. I give you my unusually long-looking head and The Beard on MaBeGroMo Day Two:


You can expect a MaBeGroMo update mid-month, and then a photo from the 31st.*

*We'll see if Emily lets me achieve the extra goal, set forth by Dyer, of going all the way until Valentine's Day. We have an anniversary in there somewhere, so I'm thinking probably not. But we'll see!

Macho Beard Growing Month

Today, my beard blog subscriptions exploded with the news. (All two of them.) Specifically, this is the fifth year of what Dyers.org has proclaimed Macho Beard Growing Month, or MaBeGroMo. This is in response to the teenage-girl like giddiness everyone had over NaNoWriMo. Did you finish your novel? Was it any good? No and no.

According to Dyer, there are a few rules to MaBeGroMo. You can read them in full here, but to summarize:

1. Take a before picture.
2. Don't shave for a month.
3. Take an after picture.

Be it resolved that, for the month of December, I will not shave my beard, so that it may be macho. My picture is forthcoming.

To the right you will find a MaBeGroMo banner in solidarity with this very important month, complete with witty pun, courtesy of Dyers.org.

If you are unsure, please read Dyers.org's helpful Beard FAQ.

A Longer Beard Does not Make You a Champion. A Cage Beard Does.

Today, Emily sent me a video from the 1991 National Beard and Moustache Championship in Tacoma, WA. When the video first started, I figured here's a guy whose girlfriend let him grow his beard for six months instead of two. He's got a long beard, sure, but it's all scraggly and unkempt. Maybe that's how these people roll, maybe not. I know for a fact that my beard is significantly more luxurious than that, and if all they need me to do to win the prize is grow it out for six months, show me where to sign up, I'll happily take their prize.

But then I got schooled. I got schooled hard. If there's one lesson I've learned in life, it's this: There is always someone more badass than you. All I will say is: Beard Gate. Behold:

Manlinest City

There has been a study commissioned by COMBOS, "the hearty, pretzel and cracker snack made with real cheese," to determine the manliest city in America. (Incidentally, I most closely associate with my sister, as she would always eat these on road trips when we were kids.) Minneapolis is ranked 18th. They've gotten everything wrong.

Their basic parameters of manliness are as follows:

• Unhealth
• Banality of sports taste (NASCAR-related things were weighted more heavily)
  

Just because you are obese (you eat COMBOS, the hearty, pretzel and cracker snack made with real cheese), that does not make you a man.

Ostensibly, we are trying to measure the manliness of the men in these cities. Minneapolis may not be the number one manliest city, but let's measure based on some real manliness criteria:

• Number of beards, with extra points given for achieving the beard contest criteria.
  
• Total pounds of man-muscle
• Total pounds of beer belly
• Number of cars with flames on them
• Number of men shot in the chest by an anarchist who then go on to give their speech before being driven to the hospital
  

Manliness is not measured by NASCAR.

World Beard Championships

I think everyone ponders at one point or another what sort of awards they could win, simply for their natural proclivities. We're all naturally good at some things, and with a little effort maybe we could be recognized for these talents.

For me, today, my natural proclivity was my beard. I am growing it out for a wedding in November, per the groom's request (it is known as a Sympathy Beard). I have been letting it grow without trim since early September with great success. Emily has pointed out that it's on the verge of being pony tail material. It's thick and luxurious. I figured I should investigate whether or not there is any sort of beard competition. I might place!

No, I won't.

There is a beard competition. It's called the World Beard and Moustache Championships, and there are some manly beards battling for the title.

Look at this man. This is a man.


This is Jack Passion, the World Beard Champion ("first place in the full beard natural category, the most competitive category of all", according to World Beard Championships). Compared to this man, my beard is bush league. This man is a real man, and a real beardsman.

I will say that length should not be all that counts in a beard. I submit the following criteria for beard judging. Please submit your own.

1. Thickness
2. Fullness
3. Softness (softer = better)
4. Style (a manicured beard is no beard at all)
5. Shapeliness
   
6. Luxury
7. Manliness
8. How many bits of churro can you fit in there