Pun #3

A young man played percussion in his college’s varsity marching band. Two weeks before the big football game, the young man was hit by a car and sent to the hospital. After a several days in the hospital the doctor approached the young man and said, “Son, I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news. We’re going to have to amputate your legs at the knees.” This devastated the young man; he could no longer march at the big football game.

The time came for the big football game and all the young man’s friends were there to see it, despite the fact that he was not marching. They were enjoying the game, when whom do they see but the very young man who had his legs amputated but two weeks before. Confused, they went up to the young man after the game and asked him how he was able to march after having his legs amputated. “Oh,” he said, “I was marching with the feet of a different drummer.”

Twitter Pun Storm: Swine Flu Edition

Yesterday on the popular social networking website Twitter.com, I saw a tweet by @doughamlin that went like this:

@doughamlin *Cough* *Cough* *Honk* *Honk* #swanflu

This inspired me to make all sorts of swine flu puns:

@punsultant @doughamlin *cough* *cough* *swirl* *smell* *sip* #wineflu

@punsultant @doniree @doughamlin or, you know, *cough* *cough* *pickles!* #brineflue

@punsultant *oink* *oink* *smoke* *smoke* #swineflue

@punsultant George Bush was a great president! #swineflew

@punsultant *cough* *cough* *forest* #pineflu

@punsultant @doniree my back is coughing! #spineflu

@punsultant I stepped on this device and all of the sudden I started coughing #mineflu

@punsultant I think my fork is sick. #tineflu

@punsultant as I've been waiting here at the bank I've developed a cough and a fever. #lineflue

@punsultant OR my cough and fever only exist between two points #lineflu

@punsultant I am sick as an objectivist. #aynflu

@punsultant @MHMorgan if I do work I might get #tryin'flu.

@punsultant your lady doctor is sick #gyn'flu

@punsultant I am sick, but only when I'm lying on my back #supineflu

Which, in turn, inspired many others to make swine flu puns of their own:

@maxsparber Argh, I be struggling to catch me breath in the salty deep! #brineflu

@maxsparber @punsultant Funny, I had the same experience waiting to get pork in England #swinequeue

@eigenman @punsultant @zwjohnson I feel awful with this illness... I think I'm going to go lie on my back #supineflu

@eigenman @punsultant fuck I must have missed it while I was sacking Halicarnassus #rapineflu

@eigenman @julielyda @punsultant @zwjohnson but I do so enjoy upsetting you Julie! #malignflu command it in #()flu form and I'll stop :D

@eigenman @punsultant @zwjohnson MUCH better #anodineflu

@briannepitt @doniree @punsultant *sniffle* I can't even afford medication... #declinedflu

@doniree @punsultant @briannepitt *cough* *cough* *moooooooo* #bovineflu

@briannepitt @doniree @punsultant "Bueller... Bueller..." #Steinflu3

@doniree @punsultant @briannepitt *cough* *cough* *meow* *purr* #felineflu

@briannepitt @punsultant *cough* *grumble* *gripe* *sneeze* *exaggerated sigh* #whineflu

@doniree @punsultant I'm a poet and didn't know it #rhymeflu

@zwjohnson @punsultant it's not your fork, it's your food! #dineflu

@chessie @punsultant i got sick because i returned my library books late #fineflu ?

@zwjohnson @eigenman @punsultant I actually feel pretty good #fineflu

@doniree @punsultant *cough* *cough* *river* *europe* #rhineflu

@eigenman @punsultant oh JESUS my hypothalamus just threw up #endocrineflu

I'm sure some swine flu puns have slipped through the cracks. Although, I'm sure you're already pretty full up on your swine flu pun quota for today.

That's what I said

I do not see a difference here.

Step 1: Puns. Step 3: Riches

My friend Zach recently brought to my attention a post from the top-notch economic thinkers at NPR's Planet Money blog. They shared with us a drawing, by a kid, inspired by the prompt, "I'm going to be a millionaire because..." The kid drew this:

Yes, that is a picture of an adult male deer with a cutaway of his midsection to reveal some dollars inside him. The conclusion the Planet Money people drew (heh heh) from this picture was:

...puns are the surest route to riches.

It Would Sound Horrible

Like many people, I love music. Specifically, the following instruments are my favorite of all time:

Xylophone

Banjo

Bass guitar

Mandolin

Electric organ

Cello

Love them though I do, these instruments should never be all in the same band. I mean, banjo/mandolin go well together (bluegrass), mandolin/cello wouldn't be so bad if you did it right, bass/xylophone/electric organ are all jazz staples.

This full grouping, however, would be known as a suckstet.

I guess that's all I have to say on the matter. What are your favorite instruments, and how poorly would they sound in this band?

Pie, Bar

Damn you, Microsoft Excel. Your buttons are labeled with things that I love. However, they do not provide me with what they promise:

I have clicked on both of these buttons. Yet, I do not have a delicious slice of pie nor am I getting drunk around a bunch of strangers. WHAT THE HELL.

I Can Fix It!

All I'm saying is, if something needs stimulating by a huge package, I can do it for free.

Pun! #2

Due to a shipping error, thousands of hippos are required to take the Doctorcratic oath.

Pun!

In the interest of preserving my Legendary Wit on the uneraseable internet, I give you a joke:

What does the pope eat on his pancakes?

Hmm?

Papal syrup!

Jokes I make (mostly to myself) while playing BINGO

B4 ("Dr. Soong's penchant for whimsical names seems to have no end.")

B9: "Whew! I was really worried about that one, but it turned out to be B9"

B8: "*facepalm* Coulda had a B8!"

B11: B-eleven, B-E-eleven

And, of course, O69: "Woooooooo!"

Hairy Fish Bus

And a snappy Jew beer.