Quest for a Carryall

In my search for a suitable bag to carry my things, I have come across what is, apparently, a common dilemma for women: how big and how many pockets.

The problem is in the context of the LAPG Tactical Bail Out Gear Bag (Best Seller!). This bag is badass.





This bag is so badass, in fact, that this manly man made a three minute video describing it. It is at worst a hilarious juxtaposition of manliness and what is wrongly considered "femininity" due to the fact that he concerns himself with a bag and its color and pockets, and at best an informative tour of a useful bag:




I want this bag. I want this bag so hard.

But the problem I find is that I already have a bag of this depth and length, but it adds extra width and a lot of extra pockets. It will be useful, but in what scenario? Will it really help me achieve my goal of wanting something smaller than a messenger bag or a computer bag?

Ladies and Enlightened Gentlemen, help me out here. Is it wrong to

A) Have a true carryall
B) Have more than one bag

How Should I Spend My Stimulus?

When I filed my taxes (actually, when I had my mom do it, because I'm a child), I discovered (my mother informed me) I am receiving $300 in stimulus money for some reason. I am a patriotic American, so I intend to use this money to its exact purpose: to stimulate the economy. Which means I'm going to buy some stuff.

But I'm no fool. I think before I spend. I present to you three options I am considering for my $300.

The Nerd Collection

Register www.punsultancy.com $10

Fill out my Led Zeppelin collection (all their albums except Houses of the Holy) $75

Battlestar Galactica seasons 1, 2, and 2.5 (I own three and four already, which give it a slightly more nerdy edge) $70 (on Amazon)

LOST seasons two, three, and four $125 (on Amazon)

Dark Knight $20

OR

The Comedy Collection

All My Stuff (George Carlin DVD box set of TV specials) or Seinfeld -- the complete series $180

Let's Get Small and A Wild and Crazy Guy (Steve Martin comedy albums) $15

Venture Brothers Season 3 (but only after March 24) $20

Andy Richter Controls the Universe -- the complete series (but only after March 24) $30

Saturday Night Live season one -- $50

OR

The Responsible Adult Collection

Membership to the Minnesota Interactive Marketing Association $195

Microsponsorship of MinnPost $25

New business cards $20

Socks and underwear $40

Backorder www.artallen.com on Godaddy $20

And there you go. $300 smartly spent.


So what do you think? Which would you spend your $300 on?

On Women's Shoes

Today I tried to buy a Christmas present for my sister. It did not work.

I called her last week and asked her what she wanted. "I told you!" she replied, reminding me of an email she had sent me saying she wanted seasons 1-3 of the popular 1990s television program Friends. "No," I said, "That is a boring gift. What else do you want?" She said she wanted a specific pair of shoes from Macy's and that she would email me the exact details.

She did not email me these details, so this morning I called her and asked her for the details so I could write them down. This is what I heard:



First of all, yes, I did put the stars in for the name "MACY'S." I wasn't sure if they used an apostrophe or not, so I put in a star and an apostrophe, and stars around the apostrophe just to be safe. Corporate identity is important, you guys. (After looking it up just now, it seems I've erred hilariously: there is only one star, and it takes the place of the apostrophe. Heh.)

Secondly, evidently if you're a woman you've probably already noticed something wrong: there is no such brand as "DCBG." The correct brand is BCBG, which I had never heard of before. In my dyslexia, I thought DCBG was some sort of Dolce and Gabbana (which I had misspelled just now and had to look up in Google) abbreviated-chic sub-brand. It is not.

And let me just say, I've spent years honing a very fine understanding of booties. I have many opinions and much knowledge on the subject of booties. Sadly, none of this came in handy this afternoon.

Nonetheless, armed with the information on the paper, I went to the mall. I followed the signs to the women's shoe section at the Ridgedale Macy's, and I looked around for the shelf with the DCBG shoes (I had not yet learned that there was no such brand). They were nowhere to be found, so I looked around this partition to see if there were more shoes on the other side of it, and there was another area just as big as the first area. I thought this made a little more sense, as women's shoes are a very popular item. This seemed like a more appropriate size for a shoe section in a department store.

As my search continued, I discovered another four sections as big as the first two.

After my disorientation (yes, really) at the size of the shoe section, I was able to find and ask a salesperson about the shoes I was looking for. "Do you have DCBG high heeled booties with a quilt pattern?" I asked, feeling absolutely ridiculous for stringing those words together and praying she knew what the hell I was talking about. Because I had no idea.

"Um, do you mean BCBG?"

"Yeah, sure. I probably do."

She asked me what color and size I was looking for--questions I had neglected to ask my sister. "Bring me a size... seven! In brown and black. I'll decide after looking at them." I then quickly called my mom's cell, and she provided me with the facts: black, size eight. Close enough.

After a few minutes of being in the back the salesperson approached me and said "I'm sorry, we don't have any more." I asked her, "Brown and black? Size seven? Because I need a size eight." and she said, "No, none of any color or size. Sorry."

This was a very disappointing end to my saga at the Ridgedale Macy's. I will try the Southdale and Mall of America Macy's locations this weekend, but who knows. I may have to buy some boring DVDs instead.