Pun! #2

Due to a shipping error, thousands of hippos are required to take the Doctorcratic oath.

Love

Love is when you feed your cat enough days in a row that she sleeps right next to you for the entirety of your four-hour nap.

Pun!

In the interest of preserving my Legendary Wit on the uneraseable internet, I give you a joke:

What does the pope eat on his pancakes?

Hmm?

Papal syrup!

Birthday Tweet

It is not my birthday, but tweet number 1,021. That is, tweet ten twenty-one, the month and day of my birthday. No one was online for me to show this to, so I decided I'd blog it and save it FOREVER. And now you know.

How to Justify Morning Beer

If it's before noon, it is socially acceptable to drink Screwdrivers, Mimosas, or Bloody Marys.

Bloody Marys traditionally have beer backs.

So, you can drink a Bloody Mary with a beer back, hold the Bloody Mary.

My First Overheard

I have finally been close enough to a computer after hearing something completely inane to be able contribute to the online compendium of local idiocy: Overheard in Minneapolis.

Behold!

Woman #1: Are you done for the day?
Woman #2: Yeah. Now I get to go to the store to by some fleece for kitty hats.
Woman #1: Yay! Kitties! Meow!

This is made even better by the editors, who linked to this XKCD comic in the subject line.

Yes, this is week three. I'm starting to think you guys don't really care to answer these questions, but we'll see! (Answers to last week's thingy here.) This week's list looks like this:

1. What's the name of the guy who invented Facebook? Mark Zuckerberg (Cameron)

2. On what Pixies album will you find the song "Where is my mind?" Surfer Rosa (Kaeti)

3.  According to Brad Neely, what are the three different heights of George Washington? 6'10, 6'20, 12 stories tall (made of radiation) (Cameron)

4. How many miles between here and Boston? (within, say, 50) 1402 (according to the Atlas I used when I drove back and forth) Given answer: 1390 (Cameron)

5. Two major figures in the Star Trek world have died in the past month. Who were they, and what were their respective connections to Star Trek? (Partial credit for partial answers) RRicardo Montalbán (KHAAAN) (Cameron)

6. A pirate walks into a bar with a steeringwheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says, "You know, you have a steeringwheel sticking out of your pants." What does the pirate say? "Yarrr! It's drivin' me nuts!" (Le)

8 Boxes

Recently, I moved to a house in Uptown, just half a block out of the four-square block area called LynLake. I am two blocks from Pizza Lucé, half a block from an amazing-looking coffee shop (such charm can be seen from outside!), maybe four blocks from the VFW/Herkimer/everything else at the intersection of Lyndale and Lake, and a few more blocks away from Calhoun Square. Not to mention all my friends who live within four or five blocks.

Yeah, it's all great. But the moving process has revealed a truth about me: I love books and movies. (Music too, but you'll see why that was not physically demonstrated in the move.) When I packed up my books and DVDs, they took up eight boxes. And not small boxes. Look:



Sure, some boxes are smaller than others, but that's an ass-ton of boxes. And books are heavy.

I am excited to unpack these boxes and organize my books and DVDs. I may let you know how it goes.

I find this all very interesting. You may not. But I don't care, because this is my internet.

#1!

I'm not sure how this happened, but I am the #1 result when you Google creepy old man wink (not in quotes). I have secured my rightful place at the top of the creepy/pervy old man hierarchy. *haaaaaaawink*

What I Saw On TV Today

I was watching MSNBC and they were doing a teaser for a story coming after the commercial break, going on and on about the dress Michelle Obama was wearing for the inaugural ball. They were all, "Oh, is she the new fashion leader? Move over Paris and Milan!" For about two whole minutes! They also managed to suggest that the Obama children were also fashion leaders (?). Then, without any segue or other transition, they went to commercial by saying "This is MSNBC, the place for politics."

A Day Late: Your Weekly Trivia

So, yesterday I moved into a new house. I'll have a post about that soon. But more importantly, it meant that I could not ask you trivia questions yesterday, nor could I provide the answers for last week's set. Look here for last week's answers.

This week, because I'm feeling saucy, we're having an all-Big Lebowski set of trivia questions:

1. What's the Dude's nickname for beer? Oat Sodas (nobody!)

2. Which member of the Red Hot Chili Peppers has a role in the movie? Flea (nobody!)

3. How much did the Dude write a check for in the beginning of the movie? 69 cents (nobody!)

Three is good for today.

NOTE: you guys all suck.

America's First Black Family

You know, this day isn't really that special or historical. Sure, we elected a black president and now he's all official, but whatever. I mean, you heard what Karl Rove said on Election Night, right? That this isn't that significant because we already had a First Black Family, like, twenty years ago:



Yeah, I guess somehow I see today as a little different from a television show.

Hypothetical Supergroup

I'm a big fan of the superest of the Supergroups, the Traveling Wilburys. For those of you not in the know, the Traveling Wilburys were Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, George Harrison, Roy Orbison, and Jeff Lynne (some dude from ELO. I don't know. I've never heard of him either). They made exceptional music in which ever style they decided to grace with their attention. Plus, they had a great sense of humor: they released two albums, Traveling Wilburys Volume 1 and Traveling Wilburys Volume 3. There was no Volume 2. Doesn't that drive you a little nuts? I love it.

I was recently listening to Under Pressure by David Bowie and Queen, and I thought "You know what, David Bowie and Freddie Mercury should have formed a Supergroup." They would have been an excellent core. Here is who I think should have been in the group:

David Bowie

Freddie Mercury

Robert Plant

Meat Loaf

Bob Seger (because you need one guy no one cares about and his voice would work well in this mix)

This could have been a Supergroup to rival the Traveling Wilburys. They could have had street rumbles and nobody would know who would win.

Which just leaves one thing: they need a name. What is your idea?

Who would you take out? Who would you put in?

Jokes I make (mostly to myself) while playing BINGO

B4 ("Dr. Soong's penchant for whimsical names seems to have no end.")

B9: "Whew! I was really worried about that one, but it turned out to be B9"

B8: "*facepalm* Coulda had a B8!"

B11: B-eleven, B-E-eleven

And, of course, O69: "Woooooooo!"

Here's a tip

I'm very happy to share some advice with you:

Don't drink and blog. If you drink three glasses (not sips, glasses) of scotch and then get an idea for a blog, you'll end up writing 1000 words asking the internet for a date. You will not come off as cool.

That is all.

The Dating Post

Preface (not disclaimer): I believe this may be slightly LiveJournal-reminiscent but, in the spirit of silencing my inner editor, I will share with you my thoughts.


Allow me to reflect on my romantic life for a moment. It has come to my attention, after reading Emily's post, that I have not had a date in a single-digit number of months. I'm not complaining exactly; since I am a victim of the economy I've been living at home in Plymouth, which means A) I am about 100% less sexy than I might otherwise be, and B) I have nowhere to take girls I have ticked into finding me attractive (no, I will not bring them to my mother's house) (yes I am 24 and I live at home. I know. I am eternally embarrassed by this). I have thus kept a sort of low profile, romantically. I mean, why get a girl interested only to reveal to her that I am a pariah.

But I have been working at TLC for about a year now and I have finally achieved what I have sought since I graduated from college: medium-term job security. This has allowed me to start looking for apartments of my own, which also means I am finally happy to put myself back out there. The problem, then, is meeting people.

I don't do bars. I mean, I do bars; I go to bars. I love bars. I'm just very skeptical of meeting women in bars and so don't really make an effort to talk to them there. To quote the Dead Milkmen, I came here to drink, not to get laid. And recent holiday parties produced exactly zero new Single Female (Lawyer) acquaintances. There are a couple parties coming up where I may or may not meet people, and I hold great hope for them. But tonight, I want to talk about you: The Internet.

Anywhere between 25 and we'll say 55 of you read my blog (I know this to be true). In accordance with my comment section commitment on Conner's blog (which is legally binding), I am in search of your help in setting up blind dates. I have never been on a blind date (and if I have I do not remember it or I failed so miserably that it forced me to repress the memory). Or maybe, since you read this blog, you might want to go on a date with me. That might be pretty cool too.

Let me be clear in what I'm looking for: I am not looking for a wife. I'm not even sure I'm looking for something long-term (let me rephrase: I am looking for something long term, but I'm looking for it eventually. I'm 24 damnit, prime of life. I'm not anxious to be done dating for significant periods of time) As per cajoling in the comments section, I will unequivocally state: I am looking for a serious relationship.

So here are two different sales pitches. One I find hilariously depressing and one that is sincere but also probably pretty depressing.

1. I am a single, balding, un(der)employed Star Trek fan who lives with his mother.

2:

• I work for a nonprofit (linked above) for whom I do communications work


• I have a four-year degree from an ACCREDITED university,


• I am a penniless writer (in the romantic, Ewan McGreggor in Moulan Rouge sort of way),


• I'm clever, charming, and witty


• I have a luxiourious manbeard


• I have a cat (who Date probably won't meet until I get my own place--very soon!)


• I'm probably more awkward than Date which will help Date feel better about herself


• I live every day, I embrace risk and adventure and shun boredom


• I make puns


• I laugh (a lot) (not obnoxiously)


• I have a great creepy wink


• I am at the same time a total pretentious fuck and completely down to earth and unpretentious (yes, really)


• I know how to use commas


• I write for the Minneapolis Metblog


• although I am balding I know how to cut my hair so it's not ass-ugly


• I can be pretty thoughtful


• Oh, here's a good one: I am not interested in sex on the first date


• I teach Sunday School, where I teach kids that God is Love and Joy, there is no hell, and that it is always better to be skeptical (I am an Episcopalian)


• I'm a pretty big nerd, enjoying much science fiction, politics, books, music, movies, and comedy in all its forms

I guess the rest you can gather from this blog. For example, I'm not great at knowing women's shoe brands, but I am pretty good at making an effort.

Ok, so you should set me up on a date with your friend (or you, if you're into it) if:

Essential:

• Like (or at least tolerate) puns. Seriously.


• I must find Date attractive


• To that point, I suppose it may be politically incorrect to say, but no fat chicks. If Date can be described--with a straight face--as "normal," that is what I want


• On the flip side, no Twiggies. I do not want to snap Date in half.


• Good eyes (as in, not ugly eyes--I don't know how to articulate this one. Most people's eyes are just fine.)


• Be culturally literate. Be able to list a favorite book (or at least be reading a book) other than Twilight or Harry Potter

Preferred:

• I likes me some pale girls


• I have never dated a girl with red or dark brown/black hair. That would be kind of neat


• I have never dated a girl with curly hair. That would also be kind of neat.


• I have never dated a girl taller than 5'4". Even 5'6" would be pretty neat.


• Glasses. I have a thing for them.


• I already have a crush on Date if she likes: Mel Brooks, Steve Martin, or George Carlin


• I like girls who are themselves nerds. Being really into Harry Potter as Date's sole nerd credential DOES NOT COUNT

You know what, I'm going to cut myself off there. My standards are ridiculously high. That's probably why I don't have many dates, eh?

So, do you know any single ladies who wouldn't be totally repulsed by me?

Another Idea: Trivia

So I want to have a regualr thing on my bliggityblog. The last thing I tried fell flat--plus the idea was blatantly stolen from my friend Sam.

So what I'm going to try today is an idea that's a little less stolen (although Connor sort of does something a little similar) except for the fact that I am not the first person to do this. Like, everyone else has done it. It's called TRIVIA QUESTIONS.

I'm not going to set a number of questions. I'm just going to ask a few that I can think of in the category of COMPLETE WORLD KNOWLEDGE (teehee). Let's just start out with things that I know that I think you probably don't.

So, I guess the rules are that sure, you can look on Wikipedia for the answers, but if you do you're damn boring. Trivia is not an exercise in Wikipedia search skills, it is a test of whether or not you know something.

1. In cannonical Star Trek, what is the highest-lettered Enterprise? J (Andy said E, which is more or less correct. There is one episode of Enterprise where the Enterprise J comes FROM THE FUTURE! to do this or that. But, many people don't count Enterprise as cannon, so I'll give Andy the credit on this one.)

2. How many downs in Canadian football? 3 (Kevin)

3. What is Mel Brooks' real last name? Kaminski (nobody!)

4. How did William Henry Harrison die? Go ahead and tell the story. He refused to put on a hat for his inaugural address, even though it was frickin' freezing outside. He died 30 days later of pneumonia. (nobody!)

5. Which sock puppet wanted you to buy his LEGLESS DOGS! Precious Roy (Le got close... Sifl and Olly weren't actually selling the dogs, but it was on their show. Half credit.)

Five is good for today, I think. If you guys like this I'll do it again next week!

*Wink*

I was at a bar with some friends from high school last night, both of them ladies. I took it upon myself to wink at them lecherously at every opportunity, which they (for some reason) did not appreciate. They said it was creepier than normal winking in a way that could not be articulated. "Here," said Kate (one of my friends), "I'll take a picture of you winking with my SUPER FANCY CAMERA and you'll see."



Aww, look at that. Adorable! I don't look creepy or lecherous at all; I simply look like I'm cluing you in on a joke or some light-hearted scheme. Kate and Amy agreed. This does not capture the creepy, pervy-old-man quality of my wink. "Try licking your lips suggestively," Kate commanded.



No, not this either. This just looks like maybe someone punched me in the eye and I have a bit of barbecue sauce in my moustache. No lecherism here.

We were stumped. How could we capture the terror created in the panties of my friends when I wink? "I know!" I proclaimed and produced this, which allowed us to record this:

[googlevideo=http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2849722202630762692]

THERE it is! We watched this video many times and determined there are three factors that make this a CREEPY, LECHEROUS WINK:

1. I am winking


2. I nod my head slightly and when my head is fully down, that is when I wink. The wink is a lecherous punctuation to a creepy nod.


3. After I wink and nod, there is a vague, sheepish smile.

And thus, further evidence that Art is a pervy old man.

Tell Me: Is This Funny?

Ok, if you know me you know that somtimes I am the only person who thinks something is funny. It happens a lot, in fact. So I want a reality check.

I made this lol celeb on ROFLrazzi last summer with their lol builder and it never went up. I happen to think it's damn good:



Instead, they've put up things like this, this, this, this, this, and this. None of which is funnier (or even as funny) as the lol celeb I made.

I'm not fishing for compliments. I know I think this is funny. But am I out of touch? Or is this truly not funny?

Look At How Much They've Grown!

My mind has been blown today.

In late 2004, I was at a party. Someone said, "Come over here, Art. I want to show you this internet video." The video was called "Just 2 Guyz" and it went something like this (mildly NSFW):



I lost my shit watching it. We must have played it five times in a row at that party, and at subesquent parties and other social gatherings for months and years.

This video was produced by an internet comedy trio called The Lonely Island. I checked out some of their other stuff in 2005 and thought "Yes, this is pretty good. I hope they get picked up somewhere."

Well, as I discovered from their YouTube page, you may have seen some of their other work:

Dick in a Box

Jizz in my Pants

Laser Cats!

That's right! The Lonely Island was taken onto Saturday Night Live to create their Digital Shorts segments. And Andy Samberg (one of the three dudes, and "Steve" in the Just 2 Guyz video) was even brought onto the full SNL cast. This is yet another example of the blurring line between Main Stream Media and New Media. Score one for talent being justly rewarded.

This, on a tshirt:



[via, via]

Gaza: Where is Obama?

As you are likely aware, Israel has now sent ground forces into Gaza to weed out the terrorists. I will spare you a history and military strategy lecture and stick to my point: the response from the United States. More specifically: who is talking and who is not.

According to the BBC, Still-President Bush has said, in a White House statement,

Hamas has held the people of Gaza hostage ever since their illegal coup against the forces of (Palestinian) President Mahmoud Abbas

Not untrue, but it glosses over (ignores) what Israel is carelessly doing to thousands of innocent civilians. This is expected.

And, also according to the BBC, President-Elect Obama's spokesperson has said:

The president-elect is closely monitoring global events, including the situation in Gaza.

This is all I can find from the President-Elect. There is nothing to be found on either BarackObama.com or Change.gov. The New York Times and Washington Post pieces are both devoid of Obama comment.

This begs a serious question: where is the President-Elect? Obama hasn't exactly been invisible since Election Day. Why is he ducking this issue? For all his talk on international leadership he's being awfully silent at a time when American leadership is as important as ever. I understand he's not the president yet, but sheesh! No comment at all? No generic condemnation of acts of violence on either side? Not to warn Israel to keep civilians safe? It doesn't even have to be differnet from the official White House statement. I just want to hear something.

Some Movie Statistics

I picked five movies and brought them to my room to watch while I sit in bed feeling sorry for myself with this head cold. I couldn't decide which one I wanted to watch, so I decided I would Google each of them (each title in quotes) and the one with the most results would be the winner. I was surprised at the results:

1. The Big Lebowski: about 1,820,000


2. Good Night and Good Luck: about 1,400,000


3. Wayne's World: about 994,000


4. Blazing Saddles: about 913,000


5. Star Trek First Contact: about 295,000

I'm convinced the only reason Wayne's World beat Blazing Saddles is beacuse it necessarily includes results for both Wayne's World and Wayne's World 2.

But, the internet does not lie, folks. The Big Lebowski it is. Probably followed by Good Night and Good Luck.

An Unusual Drink Option

When you order many small samples of beers or scotches or wines with the intention of sampling a wide variety, that is called a "flight." Scotch flight, beer flight, etc. Usually there will be a theme, like a Highlands flight for scotch, or an import flight for beer.

Well, evidently at Jake's Sports Cafe in Plymouth, you can have all the white people move out of your neighborhood: