Our Hurtful Beer Can Holders

There's a Budweiser commercial that talks about a combination foam number one finger and beer holder. They call it a "foozie," a combination of foam and coozie.

But here's the thing. "Coozie" is a variant pronunciation of the word "cooze," which we all know is:

–noun Slang: Vulgar. vagina.

But that's not all. I asked my mom's boyfriend what he calls a foam beer holder. "Oh, well I call it a 'coolie'."

–noun Offensive. an unskilled laborer, esp. formerly in China and India.'

The word is cozy. Ok? It's a beer cozy. Like a tea cozy, but for beer.

On Gender Inequity

I must say, I get a little frustrated by gender barriers some times. Specifically, purses.

I don’t understand why a woman can use a purse to hold her keys, her wallet, her cell phone, a box of mints, a book, an iPod, a Nintendo DSi, a couple pens, and various papers, while a man must use pockets and look like he has Lumpy Legs.

I know I’m going to catch a lot of flak for this, because “A small bag carried on the shoulder? WOMEN ONLY, MISTER!” And as a man, I have some options for carrying things. But, much like the choice between a basket and a shopping cart at the grocery store, my options, as a man, are either comically tiny or comically massive.

1. Pockets. Barely and room and give you Lumpy Legs.
2. Cargo pants. When I was in 9th grade I wore cargo pants. This was not for fashion, but for utility: I used the hell out of those massive pockets. I put cargo in them. But, that is a thing for young boys. I am a Man now, and cargo pants would be unseemly; it was long ago time to put aside childish things. Also they give you Lumpy Legs.
3. Messenger bag. I’ve been told I can carry a messenger bag, but the only messenger bags I can find are still comparably huge. I don’t need to fish in the bottom of an 18-inch deep satchel when I could have a 6-, 8-, or 10-inch-deep purse.
   

Here’s the thing. When you are a boxer and you punch the other man better than he punches you, that is considered very manly AND YOU WIN A PURSE. It is a purse full of money.

So maybe I can carry a purse. Maybe it just needs to be stuffed full of hundos.

The Case for #twincy, or: You Are All Wrong

There is a debate occurring, right now, on the popular social networking website Twitter Dot Com. The debate is over which hashtag is best for denoting tweets about the Twin Cities Metropolitan Area. After some discussion, it has come down to two contenders:

#twincy (represent!)

and

#msp (BOOOO!)

One of these is the correct hashtag, and one of these is an obvious lie. I submit to you that #msp is, in fact, the total travesty and abomination. There are many reasons for this:

Equity. The #msp hashtag is not equitable. It heavily favors St. Paul by allotting it two of three characters. However, #twincy places both cities on the same level, which is a positive step forward for regional equity and understanding.

Specificity. MSP is the three-letter designation for Minneapolis/St. Paul International Airport. If you use #msp as the hashtag for all Twin Cities-related tweets, how then will you differentiate tweets about the Minneapolis/St. Paul International Airport? This question remains unanswered. With #twincy there is no such problem.

Uniqueness. #msp could stand for just about anything. #my-sexy-pants, #many-sage-pimps, #minneapolis-saint-potato. Anything.

Further proof.