A Longer Beard Does not Make You a Champion. A Cage Beard Does.

Today, Emily sent me a video from the 1991 National Beard and Moustache Championship in Tacoma, WA. When the video first started, I figured here's a guy whose girlfriend let him grow his beard for six months instead of two. He's got a long beard, sure, but it's all scraggly and unkempt. Maybe that's how these people roll, maybe not. I know for a fact that my beard is significantly more luxurious than that, and if all they need me to do to win the prize is grow it out for six months, show me where to sign up, I'll happily take their prize.

But then I got schooled. I got schooled hard. If there's one lesson I've learned in life, it's this: There is always someone more badass than you. All I will say is: Beard Gate. Behold: