Internet People

By sheer coincidence, I was asked by American Public Media's Jon Gordon to say a few words about making people friends on the internet for the radio segment Future Tense. About one sentence of mine was used in the beginning of the segment as anecdotal evidence that social media does not isolate people but, in fact, it gives people richer, wider social circles.

And there's no doubt it's true. I've had in-person, meaningful interactions (which is to say they've had something interesting, new, funny, etc to say) with fully 45 people I met through Twitter. That's almost half the people I follow on Twitter who I also know in real life. But more importantly, that's 45 new people in my community I would have very likely not met otherwise. And yes, this includes Emily, who I will have been dating for a year in January.

I was trying to dig for some deeper meaning to this, but I think this is actually pretty profound on its own. This is a the 21st century story.

Surly Darkness: The Max Fischer of Beers

I had a glass of Surly Darkness for the second time last night. I had had it once before and been truly unimpressed. But when our waitress came around and told us the non-"domestic" (don't get me started) beer selection and we heard "Surly Darkness," we all jumped and said "Yes! That one!" Including me. Even though I remember not caring for it.

And, once again, I had it and did not care for it. Because it is the Max Fischer of beers.

Surly Darkness could be good, but it tries to do too many things at once. I don't even know what flavors I'm supposed to be looking for or experiencing. It has so many things going on that not one of them is done well by my tongue. I'm not sure if it's supposed to be a hopstravaganza, if it's supposed to be like drinking a loaf of bread, or if it's supposed to have fruity/woody/spiced overtones. And I'm pretty sure the reason I can't tell is because it does all of these things at full tilt.

So, Max Fischer of beers, I'm not going to say you're bad. I'm just going to say I don't think you're good enough for me. But there are plenty of Margaret Yangs out there.

Our Hurtful Beer Can Holders

There's a Budweiser commercial that talks about a combination foam number one finger and beer holder. They call it a "foozie," a combination of foam and coozie.

But here's the thing. "Coozie" is a variant pronunciation of the word "cooze," which we all know is:

–noun Slang: Vulgar. vagina.

But that's not all. I asked my mom's boyfriend what he calls a foam beer holder. "Oh, well I call it a 'coolie'."

–noun Offensive. an unskilled laborer, esp. formerly in China and India.'

The word is cozy. Ok? It's a beer cozy. Like a tea cozy, but for beer.

On Living Your Life

There are a lot of articles online that suggest you delete any evidence of having a good time or living your life from all of your social network pages. “If an employer sees a picture of you drunk at a bar, they will fire you!” these articles seem to suggest. “If you mention a hedonistic allowance, if you blog that your favorite movie is Blazing Saddles, if you use a swear on Twitter, kiss your job goodbye.” I reject this sphere of thought.

The Internet blends our personal lives, our professional lives, and our idealistic lives. This is definitely a good thing, but it means that everyone is your audience. On the internet, unlike talking face to face, you can’t have a distinct work persona, bar persona, and family persona. But it doesn’t mean you should pretend to be a flawless, one dimensional person online.

Please, do not read this as a rant against professional responsibility. I understand there is a time to be interesting and a time to be professional. The best of us can exist in the happy grey area between the two most of the time. I try to.

Instead, read this as a suggestion that we all have personal lives, and to sanitize the Internet of our personalities for the sake of seeming flawless to potential clients or employers is ridiculous. If an employer does not want to hire me because I have interesting, honest content on my social network pages, I can conclude one of two things:

1) The hiring manager is holding me to a very harsh double standard

2) The hiring manager is a very boring person

In both cases, I say: who needs ‘em? I want to work with fun people who appreciate personality and a sense of humor.

So I humbly bare to you my presence across the Internet: my website, my Twitter, my Facebook… hell, even my rarely-used MySpace. I have nothing to hide. I embrace my love for Blazing Saddles and Scotch. I (reluctantly) share with you the (mostly unflattering) pictures of me on Facebook. I want you to know that I--like you--am a complex, interesting human being.

How to Justify Morning Beer

If it's before noon, it is socially acceptable to drink Screwdrivers, Mimosas, or Bloody Marys.

Bloody Marys traditionally have beer backs.

So, you can drink a Bloody Mary with a beer back, hold the Bloody Mary.

Jokes I make (mostly to myself) while playing BINGO

B4 ("Dr. Soong's penchant for whimsical names seems to have no end.")

B9: "Whew! I was really worried about that one, but it turned out to be B9"

B8: "*facepalm* Coulda had a B8!"

B11: B-eleven, B-E-eleven

And, of course, O69: "Woooooooo!"

Here's a tip

I'm very happy to share some advice with you:

Don't drink and blog. If you drink three glasses (not sips, glasses) of scotch and then get an idea for a blog, you'll end up writing 1000 words asking the internet for a date. You will not come off as cool.

That is all.

*Wink*

I was at a bar with some friends from high school last night, both of them ladies. I took it upon myself to wink at them lecherously at every opportunity, which they (for some reason) did not appreciate. They said it was creepier than normal winking in a way that could not be articulated. "Here," said Kate (one of my friends), "I'll take a picture of you winking with my SUPER FANCY CAMERA and you'll see."



Aww, look at that. Adorable! I don't look creepy or lecherous at all; I simply look like I'm cluing you in on a joke or some light-hearted scheme. Kate and Amy agreed. This does not capture the creepy, pervy-old-man quality of my wink. "Try licking your lips suggestively," Kate commanded.



No, not this either. This just looks like maybe someone punched me in the eye and I have a bit of barbecue sauce in my moustache. No lecherism here.

We were stumped. How could we capture the terror created in the panties of my friends when I wink? "I know!" I proclaimed and produced this, which allowed us to record this:

[googlevideo=http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2849722202630762692]

THERE it is! We watched this video many times and determined there are three factors that make this a CREEPY, LECHEROUS WINK:

1. I am winking


2. I nod my head slightly and when my head is fully down, that is when I wink. The wink is a lecherous punctuation to a creepy nod.


3. After I wink and nod, there is a vague, sheepish smile.

And thus, further evidence that Art is a pervy old man.

An Unusual Drink Option

When you order many small samples of beers or scotches or wines with the intention of sampling a wide variety, that is called a "flight." Scotch flight, beer flight, etc. Usually there will be a theme, like a Highlands flight for scotch, or an import flight for beer.

Well, evidently at Jake's Sports Cafe in Plymouth, you can have all the white people move out of your neighborhood:

Look What I Can Do

People in my family have had a talent I have always thought was pretty routine: we can hang spoons from our noses. A spoon was brought to a bar I was drinking at about a week ago, so I put it on my nose. Some of my friends were able to do this too (I was actually not even the first one to dangle the spoon from my nose that evening). Other of my friends thought it was weird. It's not weird:



And just in case you think this is some sort of optical illusion, check it:



There is no chin-resting. That is all spoon-on-nose friction holding that sucker on. And just in case you think this is something that requires me to sit perfectly still, no, it is not that either. I can walk around, turn my head from side to side, and even sing God Bless America at the Uptown VFW:



I look forward to hanging a spoon from my nose in many new and exciting locales. I will even teach you how to do this yourself... if you have the nose for it!