America's Next Mighty Caesar

In an effort to A) populate this blog with good writing, B) share some of my favorite works published elsewhere, C) maybe drum up some interest in starting a comedy writing workshop group because I miss the old writers meetings from when I worked on the Times New Roman, I am going to be publishing several of my old comedy pieces. Enjoy.

This piece was published in the October 2005 issue of the Northeastern Times New Roman.

When I was in Rome recently, roaming if I wanted to, I came across a few pieces of a statue carved in the image of an old Roman of some sort. I’m not sure whom it was meant to portray. Maybe he was a Caesar.

The sheer height this stone guy must have been! You’d have to measure him in days, not feet.

That got me to wondering: Why don’t we build things that spectacular any more? Is it one of the many regrettable side-effects of the abolition of unpaid indentured servitude? Perhaps. Or maybe it’s because we don’t have anyone to build monuments to any more.

Consider it. We no longer have mighty Caesars. We don’t even have Pharaohs. We have piddling “presidents” who are “elected” “periodically” by the “public.” There is nothing mighty about that.

I believe monuments are no longer built on the scale they used to be because there is nothing to monumentalize to that scale. All our leaders are half-hearted and lack the commitment needed to be truly great enough for a large monument.

But you know what? You know who doesn’t lack the commitment for glory? Glory on a moon-touching scale? Me. That’s who. I know how to whoop people with blunt and sharp objects. I know how to oppress the poor. I know how to dictate commands to secret police. And I look rather dashing in a flowing toga with a crown of leaves. I have all the qualifications to be the next Mighty Caesar. America’s next Mighty Caesar.

Elections will be a thing of the past as I hurl America into the future. There will be no need for them, because I am willing to rule until the time of my death, whereupon I will be gracious enough to appoint a successor with my full confidence to carry on my legacy.

Taxes will no longer be an issue. I will eliminate all taxes and instead require a tribute of 50% of all material assets. This generous allowance on my part will endear me to the people. However, I will set out the military if needed to keep people from giving more out of their great reverence for me. A line must be drawn.

America’s divisive foreign policy will be a debate of the past. I will have a foreign policy everyone can agree on: It’s ours and we’re going to take it.

I will also solve several problems you didn’t know were problems. October will become Arttober. The streets will be torn up and filled with delicious mounds of salami, and mailboxes will be stocked with mustard for convenience. I will go farther than making clothing optional; I will make it illegal. Except for old people. And fatties.

Then, and only then, will I be ready for my monument. We will dig up the entire state of Kansas (will you miss it? I know I won’t), and from its dirt form clay, and with that clay build a true-to-life representation of my bulging muscles and rugged, manly good looks ten million days tall! Then, with the top ten best sculptors in the world, we will carve my face into the moon so the entire world will always remember the Mighty Caesar Art.

All hail Mighty Caesar (me)!