Allow me to reflect on my romantic life for a moment. It has come to my attention, after reading Emily's post, that I have not had a date in a single-digit number of months. I'm not complaining exactly; since I am a victim of the economy I've been living at home in Plymouth, which means A) I am about 100% less sexy than I might otherwise be, and B) I have nowhere to take girls I have ticked into finding me attractive (no, I will not bring them to my mother's house) (yes I am 24 and I live at home. I know. I am eternally embarrassed by this). I have thus kept a sort of low profile, romantically. I mean, why get a girl interested only to reveal to her that I am a pariah.
But I have been working at TLC for about a year now and I have finally achieved what I have sought since I graduated from college: medium-term job security. This has allowed me to start looking for apartments of my own, which also means I am finally happy to put myself back out there. The problem, then, is meeting people.
I don't do bars. I mean, I do bars; I go to bars. I love bars. I'm just very skeptical of meeting women in bars and so don't really make an effort to talk to them there. To quote the Dead Milkmen, I came here to drink, not to get laid. And recent holiday parties produced exactly zero new Single Female (Lawyer) acquaintances. There are a couple parties coming up where I may or may not meet people, and I hold great hope for them. But tonight, I want to talk about you: The Internet.
Anywhere between 25 and we'll say 55 of you read my blog (I know this to be true). In accordance with my comment section commitment on Conner's blog (which is legally binding), I am in search of your help in setting up blind dates. I have never been on a blind date (and if I have I do not remember it or I failed so miserably that it forced me to repress the memory). Or maybe, since you read this blog, you might want to go on a date with me. That might be pretty cool too.
Let me be clear in what I'm looking for: I am not looking for a wife. I'm not even sure I'm looking for something long-term (let me rephrase: I am looking for something long term, but I'm looking for it eventually. I'm 24 damnit, prime of life. I'm not anxious to be done dating for significant periods of time) As per cajoling in the comments section, I will unequivocally state: I am looking for a serious relationship.
So here are two different sales pitches. One I find hilariously depressing and one that is sincere but also probably pretty depressing.
1. I am a single, balding, un(der)employed Star Trek fan who lives with his mother.
2:
- I work for a nonprofit (linked above) for whom I do communications work
- I have a four-year degree from an ACCREDITED university,
- I am a penniless writer (in the romantic, Ewan McGreggor in Moulan Rouge sort of way),
- I'm clever, charming, and witty
- I have a luxiourious manbeard
- I have a cat (who Date probably won't meet until I get my own place--very soon!)
- I'm probably more awkward than Date which will help Date feel better about herself
- I live every day, I embrace risk and adventure and shun boredom
- I make puns
- I laugh (a lot) (not obnoxiously)
- I have a great creepy wink
- I am at the same time a total pretentious fuck and completely down to earth and unpretentious (yes, really)
- I know how to use commas
- I write for the Minneapolis Metblog
- although I am balding I know how to cut my hair so it's not ass-ugly
- I can be pretty thoughtful
- Oh, here's a good one: I am not interested in sex on the first date
- I teach Sunday School, where I teach kids that God is Love and Joy, there is no hell, and that it is always better to be skeptical (I am an Episcopalian)
- I'm a pretty big nerd, enjoying much science fiction, politics, books, music, movies, and comedy in all its forms
I guess the rest you can gather from this blog. For example, I'm not great at knowing women's shoe brands, but I am pretty good at making an effort.
Ok, so you should set me up on a date with your friend (or you, if you're into it) if:
Essential:
- Like (or at least tolerate) puns. Seriously.
- I must find Date attractive
- To that point, I suppose it may be politically incorrect to say, but no fat chicks. If Date can be described--with a straight face--as "normal," that is what I want
- On the flip side, no Twiggies. I do not want to snap Date in half.
- Good eyes (as in, not ugly eyes--I don't know how to articulate this one. Most people's eyes are just fine.)
- Be culturally literate. Be able to list a favorite book (or at least be reading a book) other than Twilight or Harry Potter
Preferred:
- I likes me some pale girls
- I have never dated a girl with red or dark brown/black hair. That would be kind of neat
- I have never dated a girl with curly hair. That would also be kind of neat.
- I have never dated a girl taller than 5'4". Even 5'6" would be pretty neat.
- Glasses. I have a thing for them.
- I already have a crush on Date if she likes: Mel Brooks, Steve Martin, or George Carlin
- I like girls who are themselves nerds. Being really into Harry Potter as Date's sole nerd credential DOES NOT COUNT
You know what, I'm going to cut myself off there. My standards are ridiculously high. That's probably why I don't have many dates, eh?
So, do you know any single ladies who wouldn't be totally repulsed by me?
I can vouch for the accredited university part. Plus, that Futurama reference has got to buy like +10 attractiveness points.
ReplyDeleteOn the subject of eyes: I have seen gorgeous eyes and beautiful eyes and all sorts of eyes that one would define being pleasant. I have never seen ugly eyes. Ugly people - yes. I am seeking an example of these ugly eyes you speak of.
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ReplyDeletesaught?
ReplyDelete@eigenman (is this your new pan-internet handle now? what happened to lucius2021?) I have no idea what you're talking about =P
ReplyDeleteThese are some pretty eyes:
ReplyDeleteJulie, those are just internet eyes. : ) <--- see?
ReplyDeleteWell that didn't work and now you won't be tricked by it. This was the link: http://www.reallyfunnypictures.co.uk/oddandweird/pics/16.12.06/scaryeyes.jpg
ReplyDeleteOr: O_O
ReplyDeleteNot a fan of the lazy eye?
ReplyDeleteOK. If you are serious about dating, and you wont be mean to or maim my lovely female friends, I will introduce you to a few... I like playing match-maker anyhow.
ReplyDeleteI will do this because A. you are a nice guy (mostly) You like star trek otherwise I would date you myself. B. I have lovely female friends, some are single, some might like to date, maybe (gasp!) you. I have a few in mind.
Here is some advice though: NEVER and I mean never tell a woman you dont know what you are looking for, you are confused, or you arent looking for anything serious... because its a load of crap, you never know when you are going to meet someone fantastic that you want to spend the rest of your bald, trekkie life with :) if it isnt there, it just isnt there, but I think as humans we are always seeking lasting, meaningful relationships.
contact me further, and we can set up some dates and stuff.
PS> what happened to that girl you were dating who didn't like me too much... the one that if looks could kill I would be 6 feet under.
Wow....I didn't realize you were so anti-Harry Potter. I'm just sayin' for someone so Star Trek obsessed - keep an open mind :)
ReplyDeleteWhoa, according to Trish, you date MEAN girls!
ReplyDeleteeigenman is an excellent and funny name for a math superhero. also you originally wrote "sought" as "saught" and this was the only comment I had about this particular post.
ReplyDeletealso come to think of it, an excellent tactic is to not come on so strong. as Megan McArdle said her friend said, "Chicks thrive on rejection." dig it
Ahahahahahaahha.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Trish. I would be non-specific about how long you want your relationship to run. Afterall, Rae and I had an "end-date" for our relationship. You never know how well you'll get on with a person, and you can end up limiting the way your relationships could grow because you're "not ready to settle down." Why would you fight something like that?
ReplyDeleteWell I sort of agree with everyone. Definitely saying you're not looking for something serious is going to turn off a lot of people. Saying you're looking for someone to clean your house and cook your meals also a turn off. So you're better not saying anything at all.
ReplyDeleteAs for not sleeping on a first date is that a preference, rule or just past experience?
Sadly I have no female friends. Well I have lots of amazingly drop dead gorgeous single friends but they live in Chicago. So you'd have to move there. Then I could set you up with them.
In fact Gina meets all of your criteria!
She's 5'9, dark brown curly hair, great eyes, average to thin, definitely nerdy beyond Harry Potter but in a completely witty political way and she wears glasses! She's also quite literate working in the English Department at the University of Chicago (she graduated from U of Iowa).
what's your okcupid thingy again? just curious how you're presenting yourself there
ReplyDeleteSome interesting points were brought up about the not looking for a long term relationship. Maybe I should explain something about women.
ReplyDeleteWhen you say, "I'm not looking for anything long-term."
Women hear, "I just want to sleep with you on a semi-regular basis until something better comes along."
and
When you say, "I hate drama."
Women hear, "I used to date a crazy person, and now I hate women."
Just a few helpful bits of info for the men out there.
@sam: semilegal
ReplyDelete@everyone else: these are all very valid points, especially regarding "not looking for something serious." I think I may have been lying to myself to prevent unmet expectations (i.e. if it doesn't work out I wasn't looking for anything longer than a month or two anyway). It's a good defense mechanism but I can see now that it is a flawed tactic.
So: I am looking for a serious relationship.
@emily: I don't think I said I hate drama. I on the scatterplot chart of those who hate drama, you wouldn't even be able to see my dot because it'd be in the largest, most mean(average)-showing cluster on there.
The way I've described it to Sam (and others) is that everyone is crazy. We're all just looking for that one kind of crazy we can tolerate and, hopefully, that we find endearing.
You son of a bitch, that sounds suspiciously like Sera.
ReplyDeleteI thought we were friends, man. NOT cool.
You could put out those hanging nets with bird feed in them to hang in trees. They seem to go down very well. You can get them in all hardware stores.
ReplyDelete